Part of My Story...and how it made me a stronger person...

I've decided to write this, as to hope that it could help someone else in an unfortunate similar situation. If you are reading this, I hope this helps!

When I was 17yrs old, I was tired of living in a life of back and forth with people. I thought I was mature enough to really live out on my own. I met my ex-husband during my Junior year of High School. He worked with my birth mother at a gas station, and while waiting for her to get her paycheck one day, he spotted me. Today I feel like the moment he saw me, he had a plan. I was his prey. Stupid me, fell for it.

After my birth mother told him I was "desperately looking for a date for my Junior prom", he asked me. I wasn't that upset if I didn't go, but I'd never had a boyfriend before. High School experiences were important. So, I accepted. We went to prom together, (he was 20 at the time and a H.S. drop out) it was the first sign I should have ran. He took me to dinner at a Waffle House type of place. Then tried to fondle me the whole time during prom, and we never danced. :(

Fast forward to a day in October, I was done with my step mother (the woman who raised me) controlling me and not letting me "have any fun". My ex had previously proposed to me, so we decided to run away from home and get married.

I remember the time on the Greyhound Bus, I will never ride one of those again. I was so scared we'd get caught. We took the bus from FL to KY. His mother and stepfather were waiting for us and we stayed with them. During the first few days I was told I had to call my dad. He wasn't too happy at all. I asked him for permission to get married, and he said no. At first, but then he told me something I will never forget, "if you want to be an adult, fine...be an adult".

Little did anyone know, we didn't get married then. During that time in KY, he controlled me. He never made a plan to move us out and start a life together. He made promises, but that's all they were.

One night in February, cold as hell (below 30s), his step dad called us into the living room. Now, we were planning to move back to FL (drive there) and tell everyone we were married, since I wasn't yet 18. We were tired of his step dads BS and I missed my family, even though they were still mad. We were waiting for his paycheck from his job (which was 30mins away) and that was going to be paid on Friday.

That cold Monday night in February, with only $20 in our pocket, quarter tank of gas, his step dad kicked us out. We had NO where to go. That first night, we stayed with his step sister, but she didn't want to piss off her dad, so the next morning we had to go. I was starting my time of the month that night too (Mother Nature hated me). So there we were, homeless, $20 to our name, and barely any gas. Heater only worked in the van when the van was running, which used gas. :(

We went to a truck stop near (about 10miles) away from where his paycheck was. That week was hell. It's the reason why I now shower and wash my hair EVERY NIGHT, and why I feel so dirty if I don't. It's why when we stop at truck stops now for gas on road trips, I panic a little inside and breath a sigh of relief when we leave.

We did end up making it. But it was hard. He was unsupportive. Instead of comforting me, or helping at all to get through it. Instead of buying food that could get us through the week, he bought a pack of cigs. Which is also a big part of why I hate cig smoking and wish it were illegal.

The day came where we got the check, we made it to the work place, but ran out of gas when we got there. So thankfully, his former co-worker took us to the store for gas and to cash his check. Barely made it to my hometown in FL, and needed help with gas even then.

Not sure why, after all of that, why I stayed with him. He wasn't of any positive use. He kept me from my family, he lied to me, he cheated on me (emotionally, and I believe physically). This is only a tip of what I went through with this man.

After we got married, which was on the beach...nice right? Well, despite inviting people from my birth mother's side of the family, no one showed up. The people who signed the marriage cert. were two people fishing off the pier we got married on.

But, I was in love....or so I thought. I was accepted for what felt like the first time ever in my life.

After a couple more moves, living in a motel in NY during 9/11, more seclusion from family...we ended up back in FL and he decided to go to truck driving school. During this time I had made some friends who I hung out with when I was younger. One of those friends was a guy who was 1,000 percent gay, despite not having yet came out of the closet. He was like my BEST friend during that time.

One day while I hung out at his house, my ex called me saying "I've been calling all over town looking for your ass". My friend K put him on speaker phone (not sure why, but I'm glad he did...it was what I needed for my wake-up call). I have never cheated on him. And never gave him a reason to think I had. During this phone call, we had other friends at the house. While on speaker phone, he proceeded to call me a "bitch, whore, can't keep my legs closed for anything" etc. Embarrassed me. :(

My friend K, took him off speaker phone and told him off. I sat there in shame because how could someone who is suppose to love you, speak to you like that? I told him "Marriage is about trust, if you can't trust me, I don't want to be married anymore". I was 19 years old. We had been married less than a year.

But, I gave him one final chance. I agreed to allow him to pick me up, when he was taking a run to Daytona. During that trip it was HORRIBLE. He tried to get me to have sex with him. I said no because we were supposed to be working on our marriage. Sex isn't everything, and def not the MOST important. He nearly ruined what was suppose to be special between two people in love. Ruined! Thankfully I didn't let him control me.

Sitting on the beach in Daytona, looking at the water, the party people, the friendships, the care-free, loving relationships...I knew being married to this man was NOT what I wanted anymore. I knew that I was still young, that I meant more to myself than what he was valuing me at. So I ended it. The trip back was horrible. A 6hr trip took 24hrs. He kept saying that stuff on the truck was breaking. I stayed in the bed area the whole time, sleeping off the horrid-ness of what was my life then.

He dropped me off at the store, a mile from where I was living. Made me walk. I got out of the truck and he threw my bag of clothes at me. I took the marriage cert. out of my back pocket and ripped it up and threw that at him. I haven't seen him since.

He ruined a lot of things for me. He caused me not to attach myself to too many people, to not enjoy the things I should, to question EVERYTHING good that happens to me.

But, I came out stronger in the end. I know how much I am worth. I know that real love is out there (almost 5yrs of proof hehe), and that no matter how much horror this life has shown me, I will always be stronger for getting out when I did. Before he could brain wash me anymore.

One thing I can say is: life is short...make it count.

UPDATE- from previous post

Well, I didn't like the job. They only wanted me to work 3hrs and for me it's not worth it. So back to the drawing board. Hope something comes up soon. I'm ready to work!

And life gets interesting....

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will start my trial day to see if I like the new job. If I do, training will come soon and then I'll get started. Not only are the hours perfect, but the pay is better than I asked for.

So excited for the future. Off to bed...check back tomorrow for an update!

Keeps getting better!!!!!!

Hi everyone! Well, today I got 2 phone calls. BOTH good news, but after googling one of them I decided NO WAY!

But the 2nd one was AWESOME! I am 99.9% I have a job! Yep that's right, I finally got a job. It's working for a store on base (both bases) promoting and selling basically Industrial products for this company. I met with the guy today and he thinks I will be a great fit. Only thing we are waiting on? If I want the job. He's setting me up with a "trial" (I'll go in at the time I'll be working, and hang out with the guy for an hour and see if it's something I'm interested in...) I'll be doing this next week.
Then around the 2nd week of August I'll be starting my training. WOOT!

Hours are M-F 6:30am-10:30am only 20 hours per week, but I can ALWAYS find something for the evening. PLUS I have school too so this will give me plenty of time to do that, PLUS my volunteer work with Operation Home Front. I'll have weekends off as well!

After being asked how much I'd like to make...I said no less than $9.00 and hour....and they seemed OK with it!!!!!

WOOT! So excited.

So before the interview Andrew told me if I got a job today, he'd treat me to dinner. Sooooooo...I asked the guy what my "employment status" was and about the dinner and he told me to hold my husband to the dinner. Meaning....I GOT THE JOB!

After the trial run we'll know more, but I got it! WOOT!

Setbacks and Awesome News!

So the other day I posted about having a job interview. As professional as I was, the person who contacted me about the job was highly rude and unprofessional. La jolla Maids will never get my excellent housekeeping qualities with that attitude, so I didn't go to the interview. So in that sense back to square one.

School issues were a bust, went to the Community College and they wanted me to take some pointless classes just to get an A.A. degree and transfer to a state college I'd never be able to attend. So with that news, I decided to enroll back in Ashford University. The F.A. department is getting better, and if I can take 8 more classes with them and not die of heart failure or high blood pressure, then I'll have my B.A. degree by this time next year.

Those were the setbacks.

Now for the Awesome news!

I have decided that until I can find a paying job, I will be volunteering with Operation Home Front. I'd love to help those who are needing assistance, and what better way than to help those who aren't getting the support they deserve? OK, that was a tad harsh, but my first task will be helping to fill 2800 backpacks for military kids who are attending school this fall. I cannot wait to get started!

Motto for today: just because shit falls on your shoulders from an invisible bird, doesn't mean something good can't happen in the same day...

Master Plan....

Life has been royally sucking lately. I feel disconnected with everything. This wouldn't be THAT big of a deal, except....I have a child. It's NOT cool to be this disconnected. So I've dug up some motivation, and tomorrow I put my Master Plan into action!

After taking the baby to daycare and her daddy to work, I plan to come home and put on my running clothes. The good news about moving here is we live in the mountain of a hill. Easy-Peasy coming down...hard as hell coming up...the plan? Walking quickly downhill, then running to the trolly crossing and back, then walking quickly up the hill. Yes, I'd say that will be an excellent morning work out!

Breakfast- scrambled eggs and toast with milk

Shower and then clean up.

Put together a resume and apply to jobs.

Then....interview time! I hope I get it because it'll just be good for me. Not my ideal job, but it's a start. Here's to hoping.

Then it's a trip to the community college to discuss my future and talk to a counselor as to where I should go.

Coming home and repeating the run from that morning...

Applying to more jobs and MAYBE a nap (if I have time) and then go pick up the hubby and baby girl about 4 or 4:30pm.

I feel like with Keira now in daycare that my life is more on hold than it was when she was home with me. I miss her, and without a job, it gets boring here. What happens when people get bored? They sleep!!!! Not cool!

Let's Begin....

I've tried one or two...or maybe 4 of these blogs before. However, they have never worked out. So, with new dedication, simple motivation, I plan to start again. What is this blog for? Well for everything! May it make you laugh, cry, dance, sing, or even piss you off.

Disclaimer: I type how I think, and sometimes I think with naughty words. One word you will NEVER find me saying...thinking...or typing? The GD word. I hate it. I can't stand it. And I even feel guilty when I read it. So you won't see that here. I also don't use vulgar words to describe women's body parts...so no worries there. Everything else? Fair game :)

Introducing me: My name is Sarah. I'm a wife, mother, and many other things. I've been blessed, beaten up (not by my husband...), judged, loved, hated and everything else. I'm happy though. After some life changes, career changes, etc...I plan to be even happier.

Now I just reread the above and realize that it sounds like I'm going through a sex change. Don't be stupid. I'm happy being a woman....and 100% real woman....just to be clear.

Sit back, check in, and see ya back here soon....maybe. I'll be here! You can come in you want. :D