Thursday, September 22, 2011

Amazing Week....

This week was amazing and much needed. Andrew left on Monday to go out of town for work. That left Keira and I home alone. I was fine with that because since Keira was born, we hadn't bonded as much as we should. She's a total daddy's girl, and we were missing out on the mother/daughter bonding.

We had a great week! She was not very fussy, she played well and even did some new things. Like, standing up by herself and even letting go more often.

I felt like we bonded and we needed it. I now feel like we are closer and I have a new appreciation of not only my daughter, but also my husband.

The End :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Our First Birth Story

To go with the "Flashback" theme the blog has been having lately, I figured I would post the birth story (as I remember it 14 months later) of the birth of Keira Isabella Dale. Enjoy!

I was 38 weeks and 6 days. The night before I felt uncomfortable, but because I had never felt contractions before, I didn't know that's what it was. I would find that out later. I woke up, but wouldn't actually get it. Let's just say I was out of it.

The next day, I was back to getting impatient. I told Andrew (my husband) that if I were to go get checked again, maybe it would get something started. We had previously spent the weekend eating spicy food, having sex, and everything we could. Nothing was working (or so I thought).

So that Sunday, 38 weeks and 6 days pregnant we decided to go in about 1:30pm. I remember the moments before we left the house. Andrew was finishing something on the computer (probably a FB game lol), and I decided to bounce on a yoga ball while he finished. We then walked out of the apartment after taking our dog potty. We left without our hospital stuff, no bags nothing. We would later slightly regret that.

We get to the hospital and they put me in the room to monitor me. Turns out I WAS having contractions, but they were 6-8 minutes apart. I could barely feel them lol. So I got checked by 2 people, and it hurt worse than any other time I had been checked. I believe they said I was 1.5 dilated, and about 80% efaced. They asked me if I wanted to walk around the hospital for 2hrs or go home and come back later that evening. Of course I chose to walk around the hospital.

They keep me hooked up, and walk out to clear with the doctor. Shortly after they walked out, Andrew noticed the baby's heartbeat was falling. His comment was "Oh wow, her heartbeat is going down really fast". 2 seconds after he said that, our whole world changed.

15 doctors and nurses came into the room at rapid speed. Before I knew what was happening, they began stripping off my clothes, inserting an IV in an awkward position in my arm, trying to get my bra off while putting the IV in, and rolling me from side to side. I was scared, Andrew looked nervous but was telling me it was going to be OK. I remember asking "What's wrong, what's happening???" This one rude nurse goes rudely, "you're baby isn't breathing".  They then began to talk emergency c-section. Needless to say, I was scared.

After rolling me around from side to side, and getting me onto a rolling bed, they got the baby's heartbeat back to where it needed to be. They then decided to just admit me and induce my with pitocin.

We had taken childbirth classes and learned to breath through the pain. Andrew was my focal point and he was awesome. They get me into the room, and hook me up to everything. I finally get to go pee, and was bleeding a little. They said that was normal.

Andrew had to leave then to go get Rascal taken care of and to get our hospital stuff. I was OK with it, but couldn't wait until he got back. While he was gone, they wanted me to be elevated on my side so the propped me up. It was VERY uncomfortable. So bad at one point, I had an episode.

Nothing serious, but the way my IV was in the wrong arm, and the nurse call button was behind me, it made it hard. I needed to go to the rest room, and needed help. Wasn't sure if I was allowed to do it on my own etc. I did not want to turn because I was so scared that I would cause Keira to roll on her umbilical cord again and everything be hectic.

I reached around to find the nurse call button, but it fell. :( I tried to pull the cord, to pull it up to me, but there were so many cords. I ended up tugging a little on my IV, and the Blood Pressure cup (which then came off my arm), so I was miserable. I layed there for 45mins before anyone came in. I took the towels from behind me that were propping me up and threw them at the window across the room. I was right in front of the nurses station, so I thought the blinds moving would notify them. I was wrong.

Finally, after calling help and doing what I could, 45mins later the nurse comes in and helps me go to the bathroom and check my vitals. At that time, Andrew comes back with our stuff.

Now that all that excitement was over, it was time to settle in. I was checked again because it was 2hrs after the last time I was checked (so 3pm) and was told I was at a 3cm. They then decided to break my water. That was interesting. A warm gushing feeling, but it didn't really hurt at all. I still didn't have any pain meds, and the pitocin was upped again. By that time, we called our friend who was taking pictures for us. She arrived by 6pm.

By 6pm, I was 4cm and not moving. It was a real waiting game, but I couldn't sleep. I tried watching TV but it didn't help. I kept asking Andrew 500 times to check the monitor to make sure the baby's heartbeat was OK. :(

The contractions were getting more intense. However, I knew I could do this. Every time I had a contraction, I would stare at Andrew's eyes and just breathed through the contractions.

By Midnight I was checked again, and still was at a 4cm. The nurses were SO amazed that I still was OK without pain meds. They said from watching the screens, that the contractions were horrid. The fact I wasn't screaming, moaning, or even begging for pain meds was amazing.

At the midnight check I was told that if I hadn't progressed by 2pm they would start discussing a c-section. I knew I did NOT want a c-section. They told me that if I got the epidural, then it could relax me and move things along. I really didn't want it. I wanted to do it w/o it. However, if I hadn't progressed I'd need it anyway for the c-section so I gave in. I wish I wouldn't have.

I looked at Andrew and told him, "we've come this far, we've done great. Let's do the epi, and get this baby out". He kissed me and told me he was proud of me, and we got the epi. It was scary, I shook really bad because I was SO cold, but together, we did it.

Then the fun things started. In the two hours, from midnight to 2:30am, it was horrible. The pain was nearly unbearable. Our photographer friend held my hand, and said nothing. She was amazing! She stayed out of the way but was there when needed. I owe a lot to her. By 2:30am, I was begging Andrew to tell them to come and take her out no matter how they did it. I was dying. <--- not literally but it felt like it. He finally went and told them I was in a lot of pain and feeling everything. (yes even with the epidural), and they came in to check me.

It was amazing. In 2hrs I had went from a 4cm to a 10cm and ready to push. The nurse prepped me, and I was ready. The epidural only worked half way, and I was able to tell her when I was ready to push. The experience of a life time.

I had a mirror and saw the baby's head. She had a head full of black hair. <3 I didn't scream, I moaned a little as I pushed, and 45mins after we started, Keira Isabella Dale came into the world.

3:10am
7lbs 8oz
21inches in length.

She was/is amazing! We are truly blessed! It wasn't how we planned it, but we did it. Andrew was my rock, he was patient, loving, and supportive. I'd do it all over again and hope to do so sometime next year. :D

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

On the Road Again......with Rascal

I told a friend I would write this for her blog, however I'm missing my doggy tonight and this story is a big part of my life. With that in mind I decided I would share the story on my own blog as well. In the passage below is the story of my solo road trip with just my little Honda, my pup-kid Rascal, and myself. Destination: FL.

My husband Andrew had just left for our second deployment together, and I was a hot mess. We had already decided I would drive myself and our pup-kid Rascal to FL in February. The plan was to surprise my daddy for his birthday on Valentines Day. What ended up really happening will be something I'll never forget. Ready to go on the mental adventure with me? Cool, then let's go! *waves arm over shoulder*

A week before the first of February, I made a snap decision to leave at the start of the month. It would put me in FL 2 weeks ahead of schedule. I decided that this would be so much more fun to not tell ANYONE, and surprise them all.

I got the car all ready to go, packed myself and Rascal up for 2 months of stay, and early morning on February 1st, 2009, Rascal and I headed out. I didn't exactly have a "plan", but was going to drive as long as possible. Pulling our of our San Diego parking lot, I took a deep breath, looked at Rascal and said "Welp, pup, here we go".

Day 1- total driving time: 10hours
On Day one we left the house in San Diego about 6am or so. The Sun was just starting to peek up behind the clouds. Rascal made himself comfortable on the maps in the front seat, and I tried to focus on listening to the CDs I had pre-made for the trip.

After driving about two hours, I decided to stop for a drink and some gas. I called my friend at the time, Heather, and we talked and that conversation helped me power through to keep going. I'd never done anything like this before, so it was kind of scary.

I made it to Tuscan AZ about 1pm... I had hoped to drive until dark and then stop at a hotel. I had hoped to meet a friend who lived in the area for lunch but she was 'too busy' or lived to far away to make it in time so I decided to just grab gas and move on.

For the night, I stopped in El Paso, TX. I had driven all the way from CA through AZ, NM, and finally into TX. I was super proud of myself. Normally when I took road trips with Andrew, I couldn't drive more than 2hours without wanting to fall asleep. Rascal and I had dinner and I got a relaxing bath that night and then slept peacefully.

Day 2- total driving time: 10hours.
Rascal and I were on the road by 7am the next day. During this days trip we decided to stop and view the scenery and take in the area. We only stopped a few minutes but it was needed. At one time I had to pull over and take a short cat nap to refresh myself. While Rascal was an amazing companion, it was a boring, long journey.

We stopped for lunch and gas and kept on going. Rascal spent much of his time sleeping the whole way. He slept on top of the luggage in the back seat. This day, we made it as far as Houston TX.

Again, I was proud of us. 10hrs, 20hrs total in 2 days. That's mind blowing if you really know me. Rascal and I got another good dinner, this time at Crackle Barrel. (Of course Rascal impatiently waited for me back at the hotel while I got our order to go :) ).

That night, I talked to my dad and step mom. At this point, no one knew anything. My friends back home knew, and by this time Andrew knew I had left early....but no one in FL knew I was only 10hours away from them. I put up a good act to my dad and step mom, and they believed me.

After another relaxing bath, (I love those, can't ya tell?), Rascal and I curled up together and once again, got a good nights rest. Dreaming sweet dreams of the final leg of our journey that awaited us the next day.

Day 3- total driving time 10 hours
After a good, hotel-wise, breakfast and a new gas fill up we were on our way bright and early at 7am. I have to say this was my favorite part of the trip. On the third day we would go through the rest of TX which before leaving we got a picture of us in front of the TX sign, on to Louisiana  Mississippi, Alabama, and finally Florida.

I made it out of TX within about an hour. Then Louisiana was a lot of fun. We got stuck in a traffic jam where I sat singing to Rascal as he stared out the window wondering why I wasn't getting out because we were stopped. (Silly Boy!). Crossing the bayou was amazing, it reminded me of the times we used to go on truck runs with my daddy.

Mississippi and Alabama went by so fast I felt like I blinked 3 times and we were entering into FL. We decided to stop in Pensacola and took a picture in front of the FL sign. A nice elderly couple took one of me and my pup-kid.

That night, I arrived in my home city of Tallahassee around 8pm. I decided to stay at a hotel one last night, and go and surprise everyone when I was fresh the next day. We ordered a Pizza and settled in to wait. While we waited it was time for the last big "fake" call.

I called my dad and he asked how I was doing, I told him I was fine and that we had just ordered a pizza. Daddy was assuming I meant at home and not that we were less than 30mins from him. *excited little girls giggle*

I've never been able to keep a secret that long, and it was amazing. I made sure that he would be home in the AM because I wanted to "call him", and hung up saying I needed to get dinner eaten and into the bed.

SURPRISE DAY!!!!!!!!!!

On February 4th, 2009 I woke up to a chill Tallahassee morning. It was about 6:30am, and I showered and packed up the car. While I was packing up the Honda, these two men on motorcycles asked me to take a picture of them with their bikes. Back in FL, people are nice so of course I took the picture :). They asked me where I was heading and I filled them in on my plan.

These guys were amazed that I had driven so far, and wished me well. I realized I was shaking while talking to them, and it wasn't because of the cold weather. I was shaking from pure excitement.

Rascal and I make the final drive to my dads in Crawfordville FL. I follow the GPS to his house and park out front. I call him as I am pulling in and he answers with...

"You're up early" (back home in CA it was only about 3am). I told him yeah, that I had things to do that day and asked him what he was doing. He tells me that he's just getting up himself and having coffee.

I then ask him to look outside. He said "where" (sigh), "out front" I say.

He goes, "hold on, let me go to my bedroom because the windows in the living room are covered up" (how funny how much he shares hehehe.)

So he looks out and goes "I don't see anythin......I see you!!!!!!" I was like "Surprise"!

He then tells Mickie, my step mom that I'm outside. She didn't believe him. He told me to come to the back door, and so I did...I hear Mickie in the house saying "Doug, you are lying to me, Sarah isn't here". (*giggles*).

She then opens the back door and stands there for what felt like 45mins yelling, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" (*giggles*).....she then hugged me, and let me in the house.

Daddy was just inside the door waiting for me, with what I could swear were tears in his eyes. He hugged me for awhile and said it was good to see me.

Everyone else was excited too, but the reaction I got with my daddy and Mickie were priceless and they help make up the positive experience of this incredible journey I just completed.

Rascal and I only stayed a month of the two months that were planned. We decided to leave due to some unpleasantness but not before taking daddy to Golden Corral on his birthday in February, and him taking me on an "early birthday fishing trip".

I miss home, but I've come to realize that life only happens when you get out there and make it happen. Sitting in a small town waiting for the wave to catch you, will only get you so far. Life is a blessing that is created, not given.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Gray Hair...

Greetings everyone! That's right, I found a gray hair today. Not cool. I'm only 28! So it got me thinking about how fast life passes you by. Sometimes the enjoyments, laughter, tears and heartache all get ripped out from under you before you can even figure them out. Then the stress comes and that's how you get the gray hair.

I'm tired tonight, haven't been sleeping well. So my word of advice for today: Make it all count. The good, bad, ugly and beautiful. Embrace your life despite the bad, because you never know when the chance won't be back around again.

Have a great evening!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Statement

This is what I want to give to the Family Advocacy to read during the hearing next month. The hearing is to determine if the CDC at 32nd street should be held accountable for neglect from when my daughter got hurt.


Fear, Worry, Hurt, Confusion, Anger, Loss of Trust. These are just a few of the emotions that my family and I have endured the past Five months.

As a Mother, you try to do the very best for your children, no matter how hard those choices you make for them end up being. Our decision to put our daughter in daycare was difficult. I battled with it for months before finally being OK enough to try it. I've waited a very long time, and went through so much to finally have the baby I always wanted. Putting her in daycare was difficult, but I felt that we would both benefit from it. I have never been more wrong than I was when I trusted those at the 32nd street CDC.

Our daughter was barely in there a week before she came home with a swelling on the side of her head. In the days, weeks and month that followed, that soft to the touch bump, would begin to make her head look like she had a tumor.

We did what we were suppose to do with this. The moment we noticed the bump, we dropped everything and went to the ER. I called the CDC on our way and asked if anything happened. I didn't get an “oh my, I'm so sorry”, I got a “hold on, I'll ask the teacher, nope nothing happened”. I never got any sympathy for my daughter from those at the CDC. No, “let me know if there is anything I can do”, no, “I'm so sorry, let me go check the video tape and we will get to the bottom of it”. No phone calls to check up on her. NOTHING.

When I asked to see the video tape, I was told I had to write a letter requesting to see it. Which, once again, I did what I was suppose to. I wrote the letter there. Weeks of unanswered phone calls, I finally get hold of the director and was told the tapes were sent to the legal department. Red Flag #1.

Once again, months of unanswered phone calls and emails, and I finally get a letter in the mail and an email stating, “we are investigating, we'll let you know”. There was NO sense of urgency NOTHING. 4 months after the incident, I finally contact Family Advocacy and we get a meeting. Shortly after the first visit with Family Advocacy, we are told “the video tape was not working, or messed up, or etc that day”. Red Flag # 2.

I lost 2 job offers because I had to pull my daughter from this daycare. I have lost sleep, stressed over the fact that ALL I wanted from this is to find out what happened to my daughter. I had CPS come to my home and question me and my husband to see if WE hurt our child. Can you even imagine how low that made me feel. A Mother who loves her child with every ounce of my being, to see my child get looked over. To be questioned as to weather me or my husband have harmed her.

Let's not forget the 20 minutes we had to stay outside the X-Ray room during her overnight stay at the hospital, listening to her scream while they held her down to do a full body X-Ray because CPS was involved.

I was given a word limit, and am not “allowed” to be in this meeting. So you will never know the emotion that this letter should portray. You are meeting today to determine if there was in fact neglect occurring in this case. I believe there was.

The CDC neglected to allow me to view the video tape from the week my daughter was hurt. The CDC neglected to show even a slight ounce of sympathy for the fact that my daughter left their care with a small non-displaced fracture. The CDC neglected to follow up with us about how our daughter was doing. The CDC neglected to stay in contact with us about the status of the videos. The Legal department for the CDC also neglected to inform me that the video was no longer available and the reason why. CPS neglected to return my phone call when I told them about the video being sent to the legal department. And now that the video was destroyed, I can only assume it was because the CDC and those who were in charge of the care of my daughter, neglected us. I can only hope, no matter what is decided today, that those who continue to send their innocent children to the 32nd street facility, will know about the lack of care and the neglectful nature of this place, and refrain from subjecting their children to this facility and those who work there.  

Picture of Keira in the hospital

Monday, August 1, 2011

A New Day...

Greetings everyone!

I just wanted to pop in real quick and say I wish you the best tomorrow. May your smiles shine brighter, and your motivation soar through the roof.

Lots of Love,
Sarah

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Part of My Story...and how it made me a stronger person...

I've decided to write this, as to hope that it could help someone else in an unfortunate similar situation. If you are reading this, I hope this helps!

When I was 17yrs old, I was tired of living in a life of back and forth with people. I thought I was mature enough to really live out on my own. I met my ex-husband during my Junior year of High School. He worked with my birth mother at a gas station, and while waiting for her to get her paycheck one day, he spotted me. Today I feel like the moment he saw me, he had a plan. I was his prey. Stupid me, fell for it.

After my birth mother told him I was "desperately looking for a date for my Junior prom", he asked me. I wasn't that upset if I didn't go, but I'd never had a boyfriend before. High School experiences were important. So, I accepted. We went to prom together, (he was 20 at the time and a H.S. drop out) it was the first sign I should have ran. He took me to dinner at a Waffle House type of place. Then tried to fondle me the whole time during prom, and we never danced. :(

Fast forward to a day in October, I was done with my step mother (the woman who raised me) controlling me and not letting me "have any fun". My ex had previously proposed to me, so we decided to run away from home and get married.

I remember the time on the Greyhound Bus, I will never ride one of those again. I was so scared we'd get caught. We took the bus from FL to KY. His mother and stepfather were waiting for us and we stayed with them. During the first few days I was told I had to call my dad. He wasn't too happy at all. I asked him for permission to get married, and he said no. At first, but then he told me something I will never forget, "if you want to be an adult, fine...be an adult".

Little did anyone know, we didn't get married then. During that time in KY, he controlled me. He never made a plan to move us out and start a life together. He made promises, but that's all they were.

One night in February, cold as hell (below 30s), his step dad called us into the living room. Now, we were planning to move back to FL (drive there) and tell everyone we were married, since I wasn't yet 18. We were tired of his step dads BS and I missed my family, even though they were still mad. We were waiting for his paycheck from his job (which was 30mins away) and that was going to be paid on Friday.

That cold Monday night in February, with only $20 in our pocket, quarter tank of gas, his step dad kicked us out. We had NO where to go. That first night, we stayed with his step sister, but she didn't want to piss off her dad, so the next morning we had to go. I was starting my time of the month that night too (Mother Nature hated me). So there we were, homeless, $20 to our name, and barely any gas. Heater only worked in the van when the van was running, which used gas. :(

We went to a truck stop near (about 10miles) away from where his paycheck was. That week was hell. It's the reason why I now shower and wash my hair EVERY NIGHT, and why I feel so dirty if I don't. It's why when we stop at truck stops now for gas on road trips, I panic a little inside and breath a sigh of relief when we leave.

We did end up making it. But it was hard. He was unsupportive. Instead of comforting me, or helping at all to get through it. Instead of buying food that could get us through the week, he bought a pack of cigs. Which is also a big part of why I hate cig smoking and wish it were illegal.

The day came where we got the check, we made it to the work place, but ran out of gas when we got there. So thankfully, his former co-worker took us to the store for gas and to cash his check. Barely made it to my hometown in FL, and needed help with gas even then.

Not sure why, after all of that, why I stayed with him. He wasn't of any positive use. He kept me from my family, he lied to me, he cheated on me (emotionally, and I believe physically). This is only a tip of what I went through with this man.

After we got married, which was on the beach...nice right? Well, despite inviting people from my birth mother's side of the family, no one showed up. The people who signed the marriage cert. were two people fishing off the pier we got married on.

But, I was in love....or so I thought. I was accepted for what felt like the first time ever in my life.

After a couple more moves, living in a motel in NY during 9/11, more seclusion from family...we ended up back in FL and he decided to go to truck driving school. During this time I had made some friends who I hung out with when I was younger. One of those friends was a guy who was 1,000 percent gay, despite not having yet came out of the closet. He was like my BEST friend during that time.

One day while I hung out at his house, my ex called me saying "I've been calling all over town looking for your ass". My friend K put him on speaker phone (not sure why, but I'm glad he did...it was what I needed for my wake-up call). I have never cheated on him. And never gave him a reason to think I had. During this phone call, we had other friends at the house. While on speaker phone, he proceeded to call me a "bitch, whore, can't keep my legs closed for anything" etc. Embarrassed me. :(

My friend K, took him off speaker phone and told him off. I sat there in shame because how could someone who is suppose to love you, speak to you like that? I told him "Marriage is about trust, if you can't trust me, I don't want to be married anymore". I was 19 years old. We had been married less than a year.

But, I gave him one final chance. I agreed to allow him to pick me up, when he was taking a run to Daytona. During that trip it was HORRIBLE. He tried to get me to have sex with him. I said no because we were supposed to be working on our marriage. Sex isn't everything, and def not the MOST important. He nearly ruined what was suppose to be special between two people in love. Ruined! Thankfully I didn't let him control me.

Sitting on the beach in Daytona, looking at the water, the party people, the friendships, the care-free, loving relationships...I knew being married to this man was NOT what I wanted anymore. I knew that I was still young, that I meant more to myself than what he was valuing me at. So I ended it. The trip back was horrible. A 6hr trip took 24hrs. He kept saying that stuff on the truck was breaking. I stayed in the bed area the whole time, sleeping off the horrid-ness of what was my life then.

He dropped me off at the store, a mile from where I was living. Made me walk. I got out of the truck and he threw my bag of clothes at me. I took the marriage cert. out of my back pocket and ripped it up and threw that at him. I haven't seen him since.

He ruined a lot of things for me. He caused me not to attach myself to too many people, to not enjoy the things I should, to question EVERYTHING good that happens to me.

But, I came out stronger in the end. I know how much I am worth. I know that real love is out there (almost 5yrs of proof hehe), and that no matter how much horror this life has shown me, I will always be stronger for getting out when I did. Before he could brain wash me anymore.

One thing I can say is: life is short...make it count.